Stepparenting is parenting
When I first became a stepparent, I naively and ignorantly thought it must be incredibly different from parenting. And who could blame me? I hadn’t had my own biological kids. I thought “parenting” was reserved for biological parents.
This thought pattern started to shift after conversations with friends and family members who have biological kids. I would be sharing a story about how one of my stepsons was struggling with fitting in at school or how one of them had signed up for a sport but then wanted to quit right away. Even though it wasn’t logical, I thought these struggles stemmed from the kids’ nuclear family falling apart and the trauma they experienced earlier in their lives.
Upon reflection, I now understand that I attributed all the kids’ current struggles - regardless of how intense they were - to the kids’ painful experiences earlier in their lives. It was only after having the above-mentioned conversations with parents of biological kids - that the parents would look at me with a look of confusion after I told my story, tilt their heads, and say “You know that’s simply parenting, right? That is all kids.” - I started to deeply realize that there’s nothing special about stepparenting. I’m not a special snowflake in that I’m the only one in the world who can’t figure out how to get their kid to just eat the vegetables. This is parenting.
When this perspective shifted, I stopped looking at the kids’ struggles as a symptom of trauma - and thereby viewing them as eternal victims - and started looking at their struggles as a sign they are growing up, changing, and evolving. They are simply - and beautifully - kids. They are normal. They are figuring it out. Just like I am figuring it out. That’s not to say that they don’t have past pain and trauma unique to them that sometimes shows up intensely in their worlds and for the people around them. But we work through that together as a family - with a tremendous amount of support from extended family, friends, counselors, and experts in mental health - as we support the kids to heal in ways and timelines that work for each of them.
To come back to it: stepparenting is parenting. Yes, there are complexities in stepparenting such as biological/non-biological family dynamics, custody issues, or simply feeling different because our family isn’t nuclear. But when it comes down to raising kids, you don’t need to be a biological parent to parent. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, counselors, coaches…while the specific actions these people take might not customarily be called “parenting,” these people can 100% demonstrate the care, kindness, and understanding that is needed for good parenting. As I’ve said numerous times while thanking an extended family member or community member for their support of the kids: It truly takes a community to raise a child. Thank you.
My reminder to me, and perhaps to you: Just get down to it and be a parent. The kids need it. We all do.
Amanda
P.P.S. If you feel compelled to share my words in any shape or form, please credit me or contact me for permission.
